The CONSENT Game

DEAR MEN,

Imagine if you were as disgusted with rape as you are with periods.

Sincerely,
Sandra Ware


Greetings and Salutations, (Reference to the 80s movie Heathers, if you haven't seen it- but it on you're movie bucket list. Everyone has one.)

A lot of this blog is about promoting awareness because there is a strong since that people aren't aware of certain things, and even if they are, they have no idea how those certain things might effect people other than themselves.

Before we get to far ahead, I would like to issue a TRIGGER WARNING.

For those who aren't 100% sure of what exactly that means, let me just entail that a trigger warning lets people know when you are about to talk about something that might bring up trauma for them.

I issued this trigger warning today because the topic I want to unfold on this wall focuses on rape and rape culture...

In my previous blogs I mentioned some things that will connect to this like the fact that it doesn't matter what a girl is wearing, that should never be an excuse for harassing her, and the fact that males can be sexually assaulted to and shouldn't be shunned when they want to speak out on it.

I generally don't understand why it is so hard for people to put the blame on rapists; if it wasn't for them, the rape would of never happened.



We live in a society where you are supposedly innocent until proven guilty but it's time to acknowledge when people weren't innocent to begin with.

Being sexually assaulted is not something that comes up easy in conversation, but it helps to talk about it. It not only will help the person move on with their life but it will also draw more attention to the problem and hopefully help lead to possible solutions.

I don't know how but some people get confused when it comes to classifying rape. Like...what?
One way you identify a rape is the fact that there was no consent established before the incident occurred.

The word of the day is NO.

If you hear it, that means...

  

Honestly, what is so difficult about that?

In general, people view rapist as old men with strange clothes and glasses but...

(Rapist/ Murderer from the movie The Lovely Bones, also put it on your movie bucket list.)


Rapist can be women too!

In any event, rape is the most escalated form of sexual harassment and can happen to anybody at anytime.

There is no such thing as...
-Being too UGLY to be raped
-Being too OLD to be raped
-Being too STRONG to be raped.

No.

This whole tragic event can occur when someone is really bad at playing what is known as "the consent game" which is fairly simple. The only objective is the get the person you want to have intercourse with to say yes before you start the act, if that doesn't happen, than guess what - YOU LOSE.

Let's talk about SEX - uality!

DEAR MEN,

Stop losing your shit every time you are rejected by a girl. And stop assuming that if she doesn't like you, she's probably a lesbian. She might be gay, or she just might not be into assholes.

Sincerely,

Sandra Ware

Hello again.

By this point you have probably realized that my blogs are more towards open minded and less in favor of... 

*cough* ignorance *cough*

~Excuse me, I have a cold even when I'm typing.

Anyway - Today's lesson is about SEXUALITY.

Now, let me just get something out of the way first:

Okay, we can begin to dive into this pool. I hope you bought your feminist googles with you.

Correction, sexuality as a whole isn't exactly a pool. It's more like a freaking ocean. Sexuality is like a vast sea with a million type of creatures living underneath it. There is more to sexual preferences than being straight, gay or bi. Allow me to expand those horizons for you. Also keep in mind that there are a lot so I won't be able to elaborate on all of them, and some of them might sound similar, but trust me there's always a slight difference.

Without further ado here is the 411 with sexuality...

You can be asexual and not like anybody.

You can be pan-sexual and like basically everybody.

You can be demisexual and only be into people who've you developed a previous bond with. It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic one. 

You can also be lithromantic which means you like to fall in love with with people but you don't want them to fall in love with you.

You can even be skoliosexual. Which means your type are people who don't like to identify with any gender.

There's probably like a thousand more where those came from. But at the end of the day, those are labels. Identify yourself however you want, don't let anyone or society make that decision for you. As long as you’re happy, that's all that should matter.

LIKE A GIRL?

DEAR MEN,

Feminism isn't about making women strong, we're already strong. It's about changing the way society perceives our strength.

Sincerely,
Sandra Ware


Another pet peeve of mine, besides the whole cat-calling thing I mentioned earlier is this worn out phrase that goes: "You hit like a girl." In fact, just about any insult that follows with the phrase 'like a girl' irritates the shit out of me and it needs to before the next generation hears it.

FOR YEARS, I have heard people tell boys, "Don't do that, you hit, sound, act, look, hit, cry and run like a girl" but here is what they are actually telling them:

-You're weak
-You're pathetic
-You're stupid
You're incapable of doing anything for yourself
-You're worthless
-You look like a little bitch

If you think anyone of those statements would hurt you if someone said that to you, than you should understand why using the term 'like a girl' is insulting as hell.

The worst irony of all is when little girls, are told not to act like girls.

Pause.

WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? WHO MADE THIS PHRASE UP? WHERE IS THEIR GRAVE SO I CAN KICK IT?

Anyway, you must also be familiar with the more vulgar phrase: "Stop acting like a pussy." Well, we also call people 'dicks' when they act very arrogant but it's not exactly a win-win situation.

You see, being called a pussy is just another way of being called feminine and being classified as feminine comes with the misconception that you have no strength at all. Well, let me just deliver this little reality check to your virtual mailbox:

-Pussies (Or Pussys, I'm not sure on the technical plural form of that) a.k.a vaginas are actually strong as hell. They push babies out. Women have been know to push eight freaking babies out in one day, now the penis on the other hand, I'm sure has a few nice advantages but it's constantly in fear of someone kicking it in or getting caught in a zipper. If someone was keeping score...

That's

Team Pussy: 1
Team Dick: 0

Well, the I would vote to have the "like a girl" phrase removed from our society for good but the second best idea I've heard is to restore it with a positive meaning, such as what this commercial for Always is showcasing.

This literally does not get enough recognition. It's about time we recognize this, because even microaggresions can be dangerous and oppressive in this type of world we live in.

Oh, Microaggression?

What are those?

Okay to put the definition in plain terms are everyday snubs, insults we make at people without even realizing that they are offensive. Enjoy these examples of microaggressions.

"You're really smart for a black kid."

"You have a lot of muscles for a girl."

"You have a large butt for white girl."

"Your house is really clean for a Hispanic."

"Your eyes are really big for an Asian."

And the list could go on forever, the point is, don't say them.

Gender Benders

DEAR MEN,

Sometimes males have breast. Deal with it.

Sincerely,
Sandra Ware


HELLO WORLD,

Here's another fun topic to wrap your head around: Gender Fluidity!

Reader: Can I have a definition please?

Me: You certainly may.

GENDER FLUID

(Yes, it's a real thing!)

Is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities.

BASIC definition:

When you choose to be a girl sometimes, a boy the other, both or not at all.

To simple-minded people, this must be making your head explode. Well I will admit, this can get a little confusing at times- but it nevertheless is awesome as hell!

Reader: But what does a gender fluid person look like?

Me: They look like...people?

Reader: No, I mean, what does a gender fluid person typically look like?

Me: However they want.

Reader: *Bangs head against a wall*

OKAY, here's a great example of a gender fluid role model:

Ruby Freaking Rose

aka "RUBY ROSE" (I just added the freaking for emphasis)

The thing I love most about her, is that she can literally be everyone's crush! Men and women love her, she loves...mostly women but fits in fine with any guy crew.  She recently, well the media recently asked her for a more clearer perspective on why she identifies as gender fluid and what the whole thing even is and she has a few really spot on responses that you can read below.

NOT TO MENTION (but okay, I'm definitely going to mention it) She made this brilliant and amazing short video of how she describes being gender fluid without using actual words. Seeing it happen before your very eyes is actually very incredible and it goes to show that labels do nothing but hold people back versus when you let people do what they want and their true individuality reaches the surface instead of drowning. Maybe that metaphor for a bit confusing for you, well, just watch the video and you'll see what I mean.

I know, that must of been life changing for you. You're welcome. :)

Just in case you still don't quite get it, I'm going to provide you the help of visual aids. The overall important thing I want you to conclude from this post is that your genitals do not define necessarily define your gender. So if you ever come across a person you know as a female who wants to be called by male pronouns such as he, him, his, do it out of respect and the same goes for a vice versa situation. Just respect who people are and if you really can't, don't interfere with them being who they are. 

BOYS DO CRY

DEAR MEN,

Being pro-woman doesn't mean that we are anti-men. We care about you too.

Sincerely,
Sandra Ware




Alright, I thought I would be making a post like this a few weeks from now once this blog got a little more noticed but there is no time like the present, especially when it comes to speaking up on a important issue.

A BIG MISCONCEPTION ABOUT FEMINISM:
That we are a "girl's rule and boys drool" type of thing.

NAH.

The whole significance of being a feminist is to advocate for all people and especially women, this does not exclude our male counterparts in any way or form.

AND just in case it was clear, or obvious, MEN CAN BE FEMINIST too! In fact my favorite male feminist as of right now are these two studs:

MATT MCGORRY

You probably recognize him from the highly acclaimed TV shows Orange is the New Black and How to Get Away with Murder, but he is way more than just a really amazing actor- he's also a hella funny, sweet and SUPER DOPE FEMINIST who is not afraid to speak up for women or injustice in general! Here's a bit of what he said about what the term feminism means to him:

"I think you can be a feminist and not necessarily identify as one,which is what I think I had been for my entire life up — until a few months ago. I realized the term feminist is actually less convoluted than I imagined it to be. I don't know exactly what I imagined it was. But I know that if you'd asked me, I'd probably have said, 'Uh, I don't know, I don’t think so. I'm embarrassed to admit that I only recently discovered the ACTUAL definition of 'feminism. I believe in gender equality. Being a feminist is for both women AND men. I AM A FEMINIST."

-Matt McGorry

If you look at his twitter page, most of his tweets have to do with calling out sexists stereotypes.

Guys everywhere take notes.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

He has been around for a while and is not stopping anytime soon. It's hard to not see him in at least two movies a year, having interviews on talk shows or guest starring on television shows. Some of his notable works include, Inception, 500 Days of Summer, 10 Things I Hate about You and like fifty other things. Not only is he an actor but also a filmmaker who especially likes to promote awareness for social issues through making short films, like one where he even analyzes what feminism is.

 

To see more stuff that he does similar to this, he has a YouTube page called "Hitrecord" which is basically a gold mine for everything awesome. (You're welcome, I just introduced you to your next addiction.)

Anyway, back to the whole thing about men and feminism, it can be beneficial to them as well. 

Guess what, what usually happens to women can also happen to men too and pretending like it doesn't just makes it even worse. Men are not invincible, they are human beings (just in case that was a bit lost with some people.) so that men they need to be protected too whenever they are put in danger.

That means

-Young boys should be protected from predators. It shouldn't matter if they are men or women. DON'T even try to argue that a boy would enjoy to be molested by a woman because that type of thinking is disgusting and ignorant.

-IT is not right for a woman to hit on a man either if it is not in self-defense. If a woman is just beating a man because she knows he won't hit her back than she is deserves to be locked inside a jail cell with the rest of the people who cause pain to others for fun.

*And FYI, Men can develop breast cancer too. The cancer can grow in the general chest area, so it's not just breast that can have it. 

Please try to be considerate of when men and young boys show their vulnerable side...because it's not an easy thing to do. The whole "boys don't cry jig" is something only an idiot would believe.

Dress Not to Impress

DEAR MEN,

We don't always put on nice clothes for you. Sometimes we just dress up to see our reflection as we walk past store windows.

Sincerely,
Sandra Ware

Well, here we are again, but let's be honestly- we never never really left the room. (So to speak)

The Dear Men movement is going to be like a tiny snowball that just rolled off an avalanche, as it picks up momentum, it will be a force to be reckoned with. (Or just a giant thing that people are scared of hitting them; I'm kind of going for either result.)

ANYWAY onto the topic of the day...um, let's see,

Appearance:

The way someone or something looks.

Example:

"Not all girls have a feminine appearance so back off."

If you have been keeping up with the times then you might of noticed that something amazing has been happening, no-this has nothing to do with the fact that we might be getting a middle finger emoji within the next year, it has to do with the fact that people are started to just ignore the comments of haters and just wear whatever the hell they want. (To a reasonable extent of course) In particular, more and more young women are starting to embrace the fact that they don't need to cake up their faces in make-up batter to look presentable to the rest of the world, they don't need to pick clothes from the most girly section of the store and they especially don't need to fix their hair to the point they look like they have their own personal celebrity hairstylist that follows them everywhere- BUT they could do all of those things if they wanted to! Freedom of expression, please get acquainted with it.

Here's whats not so cool though, there are still individuals out there who feel as though a person's gender should also dictate what they should and should not wear.

To those few people stranded on the lonely island of judgement, this is a little poem made in your honor:

Roses can be red, violets are sort of blue,

I don't give a damn what you think-

I'll look however I want to

*drops mic, then comes back to pick it up because it was a really expensive mic*

AND in addition to judgement by peers, lets not forget societal judgement as a whole. 

Look, I get that you can't wear a bikini to school- Educational institutions want to train students on professionalism and in the real world; even if your resume is perfect, you might not get that job because no one really wears crop tops in a corporate office. BUT, there is a big, ginormous, humongous, gargantuan problem with the dress code within most school systems- especially around the summer time.

It is hotter then the climate of Satan's bedroom and you expect everyone to wear clothing that touches their knees? But wait, that isn't all. You also can't show your shoulders because, OMG shoulders might as well be your private parts and no one should go around flashing their exposed shoulders around the school because that that apparently looks, how do you say...trashy? Why not shoulders? Well, that could lead to someone witnessing your bra-strap and that might make someone jump to the conclusion that you are wearing a bra, and with a bra comes boobs (sometimes) and boobs are forbidden from school even though we have to bring them with us everyday. We can't just leave them at home, nor should we have to. Oh, cleavage- that's what everyone is so scared of. And it must also be terrifying to see a little bit of skin from our rear-ends that indicates we posses this anatomy called a butt. You must be hyperventilating with each sentence you gaze at but imagine how it feels to be called out for these minor clothing incidents as if you are the one at fault and the people who keep gawking at you aren't.

Look at it this way...
The list of things a girl can't do at school with her clothes is about as big as the bible versus the boys list which is no more longer than a sheet a paper.

These visuals might also help.

 "Thou shall not wear tight fitted jeans"
"Thou shall not bear nude shoulders within such a prestigious institution"
"Thou shall not even think about wearing V-necks for they will burn the eyes of your male classmates."
"Thou shall not complain about young men making sexual slurs at thee because thee should not of been eluding her body to the public anyway."

No hats, or hoods.

Try not to wear anything with profanity on it.

No bandannas or chains please.

Please stop sagging.

Tank tops are fine.

Just to add more flames to the fire while we're cooking, here are some additional fun representations of targeted judgement on appearance. 

What else is there really to say about it? if you don't like what I'm wearing- don't look at me. If you do, well...don't be creepy about it.

And also, don't think that someone's appearance tells you everything about them. Clothes can be our best defense against the sensitive layers we have underneath us. If you want to know the whole story, read through the pages- don't just look at the cover.

You're Barking at the Wrong B....

DEAR MEN,

If you catcall, whistle or make ANY type of obscene gesture or comment at women, don't be offended when they ignore you. We are not some domesticated animals that will obey your commands.

Sincerely,
Sandra W.


Welcome all to my solitude of feminine expression! Well, it's a bit of that and more. You see, I've just about had it with being the meat that the dogs get to chew up and rip apart and a know a majority of the population probably feels the same way. The most annoying thing that comes with being apart of the female sex is that you are constantly expected to "behave" to be "polite" to seem inviting when just anyone shows up at your sacred temple. HELL NO, get the f@$! out of my face with that.

One of my biggest pet-peeves of all times: (and this even beats people talking with their mouth open) is being CATCALLED. I can not remember the last time I walked out in public and did not have to throw a stank eye at some perv who had the nerve (rhyming on fleek) to either whistle at me, lick his lips, tell me "hey baby, can I get a little smile" or even go as far as follow me!!!

-And you know what really kills me...
People see it, clear as day and they just turn the other way, laugh or even give me a dirty look, like what did I do to deserve that? Oh right, I was born a girl.

SO what is one to do when the male sirens are screaming at you?  I surfed the world wide web and flipped through its pages as if it were the bible, the holy grail and all mighty thing that would give me some good ways of dealing with sexual harassment that I could share to some other ladies who have to endure this dumb habit of our male ecosystem and here are some of my ultimate discoveries:














And here's one of my favorite social experimental videos ever:

And here's another misconception that really makes me want to want to leave this planet and find a new fortress somewhere in space, it is often assumed that it is a good thing to be catcalled because that is basically another way of saying "HEY, AT LEAST YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE TO SOMEONE!"

Um, EX-SQUEEZE me???

No, NO, NO! I DON'T NEED A GROSS IDIOT'S APPROVAL OF MY BODY AND NEITHER SHOULD ANYONE ELSE.

Excuse me while I find my pepper spray.